January 22, 2012, Jesus on Divorce: Matthew 5:31, 32; 19:3-12

5:1 Seeing the crowds, [Jesus] went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. 2 And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

5:31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

(Matthew 19:3-12) And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”
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There have been a number of very positive responses to the last two messages which looked at Jesus’ teaching about anger and lust. Obviously these are issues that some sincere, believing Christians are wrestling with. Yet there is comfort in knowing that as we wrestle, and even fail from time to time, genuine faith in Jesus Christ is evidence that we are 100% forgiven, 100% adopted into the household of our God and Father, and that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39). I hope you will remember this as we turn to today’s passage where Jesus talks about divorce.

Some of us are old enough to remember those long ago days when there was still strong social disapproval of divorce in America, and especially in the church. People still got divorced, but it was discouraged, and there was a stigma attached to it which followed a person around like a bad odor. Of course, those days are long gone.

In 1969 California governor Ronald Reagan signed the nation’s first no-fault divorce law (supposedly, Reagan later confessed that signing that bill was the biggest mistake of his political life). That opened the floodgates, and since then divorce for almost any reason at all, or for no good reason, has become an accepted part of life.

In the church, the subject of divorce is one of the most sensitive, potentially hurtful and even offensive, topics that a minister can touch. Just as Social Security reform is the third rail of politics which lawmakers avoid for all they are worth lest they get burned, divorce is the topic that most preachers secretly dread to bring up because they know that in some respects it places them in a no-win situation.

Despite the preacher’s best efforts to remain sensitive to people’s feelings, if he wishes to be faithful to the truth of God’s Word the topic of divorce never fails to stir up deep emotions such as sorrow or guilt or shame, or feelings of failure, or anger, or bitterness, or worse. If that were not bad enough, it is all too easy for preachers to fall into one of two serious errors when dealing with this subject: legalism and compromise.

Once upon a time legalism was the typical response of the church to divorce. Everyone agreed that if a man or woman was divorced before becoming a Christian, God forgave that sin along with all others when he or she came to faith in Jesus. But things were very different if a believing, church-going Christian went through a divorce. Many churches treated that as if it were a special category of unforgivable sin. They may have said that Jesus forgives even the sins that result in divorce, but their actual treatment of divorced Christians showed that there was lingering doubt about that.

In recent years, churches have rejected legalism and instead tagged along behind the larger culture as it moved in the opposite direction toward unquestioning acceptance – or at least toleration – of divorce for almost any reason at all. We long ago reached a point where even an ordained minister can leave his spouse for another with the expectation that there will be no serious negative consequences. In my opinion this compromise with our culture’s acceptance of easy divorce has been as much a tragedy as the older legalism, for two reasons.

First, it tends to overlook all of the many innocent victims of divorce. Spend five minutes Googling online, or listening to someone whose spouse dumped them even when they were willing to do whatever they could to save their marriage, and you will discover all the gory details about the heavy price that the many victims of divorce must pay.

More than that, it seems to me that we Christians have largely forgotten that we have been saved to function as “the salt of the earth” and “the light of the world.” God forgives our sins and receives us into fellowship with Himself so that we will bear witness to the mercy of Jesus Christ and the new way of life that he promises to give to everyone who believes in him. When we do not actively live out that new life, then we remain no different from the world around us. The salt loses its savor, and our light is hidden under a basket.

So then, I believe that both of these responses to the issue of divorce – legalistic condemnation and compromising acceptance – have failed to help sincere, believing Christian men and women who are struggling with marriages that are in trouble. They have also failed the larger society by failing to show unbelievers that there is a better way. Having said that, how are we supposed to approach this topic?

Before we consider what Jesus says about divorce, I first need to remind you that in the Sermon on the Mount Jesus is concerned about the orientation of the heart, our innermost character. The Pharisees and scribes believed that they were righteous men who could stand before God with a clear conscience because they strictly followed all of the rules with regard to their behavior. But Jesus reminded them – and us – that God sees through our behavior. God looks upon the heart: “out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.” (Matthew 15:19, 20a)

Because our actions grow out of the orientation of the heart, the heart itself must be made pure. It is no good to think “I am a decent, good person because I never killed anyone” while you harbor anger in your heart. It is no good to think “I am a decent, good person because I never committed adultery” while you secretly desire to possess another person whom you have no moral right to possess. Jesus is very clear that God holds us accountable for the sinful orientation of the heart just as much as for the sinful behavior that flows from it. This is why we Christians need to rely on the gracious help of the Holy Spirit within us to purify our hearts and thoughts and fantasies and imagination.

This is especially true with regard to divorce. Murder is the fruit of sinful anger that took root and grew in the heart. Adultery is the fruit of sinful lust which was sown in the heart. In the same way, the formal legal procedure of divorce is the fruit of a sinful seed which took root and grew to maturity in the heart. In verse 8 of chapter 19, Jesus indentifies this particular sin as: “hardness of heart.” Divorce is public, formal recognition that the marriage is irretrievably broken, but the divorce is not the sin. The sin is the underlying: “hardness of heart” that broke the marriage bond. Let me show you what I mean by that.

Matthew 5:31 and 32 are a very brief summary of Jesus’ teaching on divorce, so to understand what he is saying we need to look at the passage from Matthew 19 where Jesus is responding to some Pharisees who wanted to know what he thought about divorce. Matthew says that they were “testing” Jesus, looking for something that they could use against him. They themselves were not particularly interested in this issue since they had already made up their minds about it. Many of the Pharisees believed in a form of no-fault divorce. Divorce was acceptable for almost any reason so long as all of the formal, legal procedures were observed, all of the Ts crossed and Is dotted and fees paid, and so on.

So, for example, if a man’s wife lost her youthful beauty and he desired another, younger model, all he had to do was issue a certificate of divorce and he was free to remarry, while remaining in good standing as a godly, righteous man. If a man was unhappy with his wife because she was a bad housekeeper, or she was disobedient, or she had a temper, or because she burned the soup, then he could rid himself of her by the formality of a divorce certificate, and still be respected as a devout and holy leader of the community.

The woman had no say in the matter. As in modern, no-fault divorce, even if she was willing to do whatever it took to rescue the marriage, and even if she had no other way to make a living and no family to take her in, once her husband made up his mind to dump her she was out on her ear. As long as all of the paperwork was in order, all of the legal forms followed, the man could still think of himself as a righteous and good man.

Jesus begins to set the Pharisees straight by reminding them about God’s intent for marriage back in Genesis chapter 2: “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6; Genesis 2:24) That last phrase is an imperative, a command: “What God has joined together, man must not separate.”

God’s intent for marriage is very clear. First, God Himself – not the State or the government – ordained marriage as the union of one man and one woman. Second, among all possible relations between people marriage is unique, which is why Jesus twice emphasizes that the man and woman who marry enter a new status in God’s eyes; from now on they are: “one flesh”, a single indivisible, unbreakable unit. Third, once this “one flesh” union is established, God commands us not to break it.

This God-ordained “one flesh” unity of a man and a woman in body, soul, and spirit is the essence of marriage as God intended it. It is within this “one flesh” union that God intends for us to find mutual support and help, physical and emotional satisfaction, pleasure and happiness. This union is the context that God ordained for the bearing and raising of children. This union is to last a lifetime so that we will enjoy security and help as we grow old. There is nothing at all unclear about this.

But then sin entered the world. God’s intent for marriage did not change with the arrival of sin. What changed was the human heart. The sin that Jesus refers to as “hardness of heart” appeared and began to threaten, and in some cases undo God’s good intent for men and women. But what is “hardness of heart”?

Basically, with regard to marriage hardness of heart is a self-centered outlook in which a person utterly refuses to acknowledge his responsibilities to his spouse. Hardness of heart can take different forms, each of which can lead to the breaking of the marriage union unless they are recognized and dealt with. Let me give three examples of hardness of heart and how it works to break the “one flesh” union of marriage long before formal divorce proceedings begin. They are:: Abandonment, Abuse and Adultery.

1.) Abandonment. Most of us know couples where one or the other member of the marriage is AWOL for some reason, and failing to provide the material, or financial, or sexual, or emotional support that he legitimately owes to his spouse. Perhaps he is so preoccupied with his career that he leaves no room in his life for anyone else. Perhaps he is so emotionally withdrawn that his wife cannot reach him. Perhaps he blows his income on other things such as friends or hobbies or addictions of one kind and another rather than using it to provide for his family’s needs.

If this is pointed out to him and he rearranges his priorities the marriage can be saved and even strengthened. But if he absolutely, positively refuses to change his ways, and prefers to go on living for himself without taking care of the legitimate needs of his spouse and family, then that hardness of heart has broken the “one flesh” union, contrary to God’s command. Divorce is only the formal, legal recognition of the sin of “hard-heartedness” that actually dissolved the union.

2.) Abuse. Most of us know couples where one or the other lives from the conviction that he is the center of the world and that everyone and everything had better revolve around him or else. He may impose his will by manipulation, for example saying: “Baby, you now that I love you” even when his actions are the opposite of love. He may impose his will by micromanaging his spouses’ time and money. He may try to control his spouse with threatening language or by intimidation or actual violence.

If this is brought to his attention and he changes his ways, the “one flesh” union of marriage can be saved and even made stronger. But if he steadfastly refuses to acknowledge a problem or change his behavior, then his hardness of heart has broken the “one flesh” union contrary to God’s command. Divorce is only the formal, legal recognition of the sin of “hard-heartedness” that actually dissolved the union.

3.) Adultery. Most of us know couples where one or the other refuses to remain faithful to his marriage vows, and pursues opportunities for sexual gratification with other partners than his spouse, whether in the flesh or in the virtual world of on line pornography.

Once again, if this is brought to his attention and he changes his ways, his marriage will be made stronger. But if he absolutely, positively refuses to remain faithful to his spouse, then his hardness of heart has broken the “one flesh” marriage union, and divorce is only the formal, legal recognition of the sin that caused the breakup contrary to the will of God.

I hope you see that in each of these cases, the sin is not the legal proceeding called divorce. Divorce is only the formal, public recognition that the marriage union is broken. In each example, the sin is the underlying hardness of heart which steadfastly refuses to do whatever is necessary to mend and maintain the union.

The sin of the Pharisees was not the bill of divorce that they gave to their wives for trumped up and trivial reasons. Their sin was the underlying self-centered hardness of heart which refused to even consider repairing the marriage once their minds were made up to leave. They wanted to think of themselves as righteous and godly men because they observed all of the legal, procedural formalities, but Jesus tells them that their problem lies in the hardness of their hearts.

What does this have to do with you and me? How are Jesus’ disciples supposed to respond when their marriage is threatened? Here are a handful of thoughts.

First, remember that God Himself takes marriage very seriously. God ordained Marriage as a unique union in which a man and a woman become “one flesh” in His eyes. His command that we are not to break that union remains in effect.

Second, remember that we live in world that is darkened by sin. A world where men and women reject God’s commands in their rebellion against Him. When we receive the Holy Spirit’s gift of faith in Jesus, all of that turns around. We who believe in Jesus are now free to conform our character and behavior to his own. That is a task which will occupy us for a lifetime, and even the best of us will often be hindered in that task by our own sin and the sins of other people. Just as some of us must wrestle with anger or lust, some of us must also wrestle to one degree or another with hardness of heart toward our spouse.

Third, when a marriage enters stormy waters remember that a Christlike response to marital problems is not to passively endure or to sit around hoping that things will get better on their own. They won’t. The Apostle Paul tells us: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18) As a Christian believer you must do everything in your power to identify the issues that are threatening the “one flesh” union of union, and then deal with them. This includes examining your own heart to determine the extent, if any, to which it has become hardened against your spouse. Where a Christian man and woman are both willing to do the hard work that is needed to examine themselves and mend their marriage, the Spirit of God can lead them out the other side of marital difficulties far stronger than before, but they must do their part.

Fourth, despite your good intentions and honest efforts, the other member of a marriage may choose to retreat behind the wall of hard-heartedness, the wall of denial and evasion and self-justification, and refuse to do his part in fixing things. If that happens, then you may choose to remain in the marriage as it is. Nowhere are we commanded to leave our spouse.

But a time may come – and only you will know when that time has arrived – when you can face the fact that the “one flesh” union intended by God has been irreparably broken by the other person’s hard-hearted refusal to help mend the marriage. In that case divorce is only the public, legal recognition of the fact that the union is over and cannot be repaired. The sin is not the legal proceeding called divorce. The sin is the hard-heartedness that broke the “one flesh” union of the marriage bond and made divorce necessary.

Finally, remember that Jesus is not laying down a law which says that if we wish to be his disciples we must first have an ideal, lifelong marriage. If that were the condition for salvation, for being a Christian, then many of us would be in trouble, wouldn’t we? Even the first disciples understood that if Jesus was laying down a law regarding marriage they had no hope of obeying that law perfectly enough to satisfy God. That is why they said in verse 10: “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” We are saved by grace and we live our lives by grace.

While we recognize the reality of sin, including the sin of “hard-heartedness” which often leads to breakup of the marriage union, we must also recognize the far greater reality of grace and forgiveness. If your marriage has failed or is in danger of failing, then I encourage you to examine your own heart. Has your hard-heartedness contributed to the problems in your relationship with your spouse? If so, humble yourself before the Lord, confess your sin to him, remembering his promise: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) Never stop clinging to the forgiving grace and mercy of the one who told us that: “All sins will be forgiven the children of man”, including the sins which lead to the end of a marriage.